Sunday, 10 April 2011

AFC Telford United 0 Boston United 1

Ladies and gentlemen, quite unbelievably, we have another contender for best away day of the season. Just when I thought classic trips to Alfreton, Gainsborough and York could never be surpassed, here we have another one which didn’t stop kicking.

In terms of atmosphere, this was definitely the best. Normally after a United match I wake up with a slightly hoarse throat; today I woke up with a full-on red roar throat, patches of equally red skin from the unseasonal warmth, assorted bruises and sore calves from a whole 90 minutes of bouncing up and down.

Accept no imitations. Forget your endless jogging round the park. Forget the D-list reality TV celebrity-endorsed fitness DVD. Forget the rip-off gym membership. If you really want to tone up, come to a Boston game and bounce with us.

“Thanks for buying the BUFC Bounce DVD. This is the best £17.99 you’ll ever spend. We’ll start getting the blood pumping with the terrace favourite Ring of Fire for a good ten minutes. For maximum motivational impact, yell out the letters ‘B-U-F-C’ after every rep. You might be starting to feel a little flushed after a while, so it’s fine to grab your neighbour tightly round the neck and get some line dancing going.

Then we’ll move things up a notch and get those arms firmed up as well. Break out the Great Escape theme and carry on hopping about. Try and coordinate with the upper body to work the core to the limit. Don’t forget to should out ‘BOSTON’ after each verse – got to remember who we’re working for here. After this you’re bound to be sweaty, so don’t feel afraid about whipping your shirt off and twirling it around your head (as I did, cue everyone ripping clumps of hair from my chest...) You should be FEELING THE BURN now.

Now it’s time to really test that cardio-vascular fitness. You might repeat step one, but Mr. Cash will eventually demand some kind of copyright settlement. Best to go with Sloop John B and let all the home fans know just what a sh*thole they live in. Remember, they stand between you and YOUR GOALS for the perfect beach body. That and your love of pastry items.

Finally, let’s crank things up to top gear. Let’s have some DEFIANCE here. You will have that beautiful body. You will turn heads on Skegness beach. Let’s keep the tempo going. KEEP BOUNCING. Let’s go: “We’ll do what we want, we’ll do what we waaaaannnnttt, we’re BOSTON UNITED, we’ll DO WHAT WE WANT.” Yeah, look at you now; the pounds are just melting away. Now you go and have a well-deserved mineral water, you sexy beast.”       

In truth, United didn’t play very well at all but Telford weren’t much better and we have acquired this knack of getting one-goal leads and holding on to them by defending like Trojans. Not for the first time this season and I bet not for the last, Shaun Pearson scored the winner. He nodded home on the half-hour from another inch-perfect Jamie Yates corner. Well, I believe he did, I was looking the other way imploring people to BOUNCE.

Telford dominated the rest of the match but didn’t create the chances you would expect from a side second in the table. Some of their fans booed them off at the final whistle (not that you could hear them above the jubilant 240 from Lincolnshire) which I thought was a bit of an overreaction since they are still on course for the play-offs.

But nothing should detract from a brilliant result and we are now practically assured of a play-off spot and, more likely than not, a home semi-final, second leg. To be honest, having now seen all the sides around us, I don’t think we need to fear any one of them.

There was one sour point at the end. A tiny minority of Telford fans, who had earlier thrown glasses and bottles at our fans on entering the ground, tried to storm the exits as we departed. Jambo bravely fronted up to a Chav with eyes of pure evil who was slamming the doors about and punches were exchanged, before about 50 stewards rushed over. I’d expect better protection really, the security were totally caught off guard and but for the restraint of the Boston fans a very ugly situation could have resulted.

Apparently, we have a police escort to and from the station at Nuneaton next week in case of further aggro, which no true fan wants to see at this level. That will be the last away of the regular season and I’ve been to them all. But none will be better than this one. For the moment, anyway.

Next Match: Missing the Hyde home match next weekend as I’m going to the World Snooker, so most likely the Lincolnshire Tinpot Shield final with Stamford.